This dilemma shows up regularly for leaders I work with in the coaching space. From leaders taking on more responsibility than is appropriate for their team members to social workers trying to positively influence the families they support, it shows up in all walks of life. When we spot this dynamic playing out at work, it must be handled with compassion and quiet conviction. Let me tell you about a way of seeing things that help my clients gain new insights into their dilemmas.
The Drama Triangle[1] describes an unconscious game that humans play with each other. This is unconscious behaviour and not something to judge ourselves or others for if we find ourselves in this dynamic.
The three roles:
1. Victim. This is the central role in the Drama Triangle. “Poor me” "There's nothing I can do". In this role, we don't have any agency, power or drive. Our primary focus is the problem, and we bemoan and complain.
2. Rescuer. “Poor you” When we are in this role, although our intentions are often good, rescuing someone reinforces the victim's lack of power. When we rescue, we are saying through our behaviour, "You are not capable of sorting this out by yourself" “Let me fix this for you”.
3. Persecutor. “It is all your fault” and "You can't do anything right". This can be a person or a system, like an organisation or public body. When we are in this space, we may be critical and judgemental. The culture of a system such as an organisation may be critical or inflexible, resulting in people feeling more pressure and motivation to rescue others or to resign themselves as victims of the system.
We move between roles when we are in the Drama Triangle. We might rescue, eventually get fed up, snap at someone, and move into persecutor. Or from victim, we finally have enough of being spoken down to and go on the attack, into persecutor. A persecutor may experience feelings of remorse, but rather than taking responsibility for these feelings, may move into victim, poor me. We all occupy every role at one time or another, if we know it or not.
The most common role my clients notice they default to is the rescuer. They are genuinely well-intentioned and want to help others, but this can lead them to take on more responsibility than is appropriate, denying others the opportunity to develop. None of these roles is optimum for positive working relationships. Simply noticing that we are in the Drama Triangle is the first step to getting out of it. Feelings can be valuable indicators you might be in the Drama Triangle, for example:
Victim: feeling stuck, helpless, and hopeless.
Rescuer: feeling like a hero is helpful to feel superior.
Persecutor: feeling critical, persecutes to feel superior.
You can use the Drama Triangle to self-reflect if you feel stuck in any of your relationships. Are you feeling a lack of agency and power? (Victim?). Are you enjoying the thrill of fixing someone but also resent it simultaneously? (Rescuer?). Are you irritated and frustrated that someone just isn't doing something right? (Persecutor?).
This blog has covered the Drama Triangle, which may help you get insight into areas you need to take less responsibility. The Drama Triangle has three roles: victim, rescuer and persecutor. We have explored some of the language and feelings associated with these roles. What is your default? What new insights can you gain into difficulties in your relationships? I'd love to hear what this brings up for you.
Next time I will discuss the antidote to the Drama Triangle – The Empowerment Triangle.
[1] Stephen B. Karpman, MD.