I'm passionate about Positive Psychology because I have witnessed its empowering impact on myself and my coaching clients. It has tangible, real-life benefits based on a significant and growing body of empirical evidence. Applying its wisdom can enrich and expand our lives. When learning about interventions like self-compassion, I often thought, why didn't I know this stuff before?! The lessons I have learned from Positive Psychology have helped me grow as a human and perform better as a coach, and I want to share them as widely as I can.
In this blog series, I will tackle some of the common misconceptions about Positive Psychology and bust these myths:
Myth #1 Focusing on strengths avoids facing facts
Myth #2 Well-being is an optional extra
Myth #3 My inner critic is simply being realistic
Myth #4 Self-compassion makes you lazy
Today, I will tackle myth Myth #3 My inner critic is simply being realistic
If you are not familiar with the concept of the inner critic, it is a metaphor to describe the voice in our head that critiques and criticises us. Our inner critic is often loudest when we are doing something new that might feel emotionally risky, like speaking up in a big meeting "everyone will think you are stupid", or taking on new responsibilities at work "who do you think you are? You are not as good as others think you are". It is also vociferous when we make a mistake, "you idiot!" or get negative feedback, "you are such a failure". We would never speak to a friend or someone we respected the way our inner critic speaks to us. So why do we talk to ourselves in this way?
Our inner critic is an expression of our negativity bias. The negativity bias influences all human beings and tends to infiltrate our systems. It is a powerful bias driven by our human instinct to keep us safe, which is great if we need to keep away from sabre-tooth tigers in our hunter-gatherer days. Not so helpful if we want to grow as a human and do our best work, both of which require taking emotional risks. Another way of describing our negativity bias is that our brains are like Teflon for good experiences and Velcro for the negative ones (Rick Hanson).
Picture a feedback conversation when most of the discussion has been positive, with a small piece of developmental feedback or criticism. Often, we hyper-focus on the small amount of negative feedback, completely ignoring most of the information available. Allowing our inner critic to dominate results in unrealistic thinking, which means we only focus on the negative feedback and completely discount anything positive. We need to take negative feedback seriously but not personally (Hilary Clinton) and ask ourselves what we need to learn from it. But we must also reflect on what we have done well and consider how we can leverage that to build our competence and confidence.
Our inner critic is well-intentioned – it is designed to keep us safe. But it comes from our threat response system rather than the wisest, most grounded part of us. Giving our inner critic a name can be helpful shorthand to notice and diffuse it. Characterising our inner critic in this way can create distance from our critical thoughts and dial down the volume. The name or character we choose can be inspired by cartoon characters or past negative influences such as a critical teacher or overly strict grandparent. All the better if we can introduce some compassion and humour to the character.
The concept of the inner mentor (Tara Mohr) is a powerful counter to the incessant criticism of our inner critic. Characterising our inner mentor can help us to tune into their insight and wisdom when our inner critic is shouting at us in moments of fear or anxiety. The character of our inner mentor is unique to us, and the more personally meaningful, the better. Some clients draw inspiration from religious figures, others from public figures or a wise and powerful grandparent. This characterisation can help to diffuse the power of the inner critic in the moment and help you to tune into a more realistic perspective. I have even facilitated clients having their inner critic and mentor in dialogue – this can be fun and incredibly powerful to tune into the voice you most want to hear.
Our brains are hardwired to keep us safe, and our inner critic is a powerful voice that will always be around. Simply knowing that the way you might speak to yourself at difficult times is a result of how our brains are wired rather than a personal failing or quirk of personality is empowering. Characterising your inner critic with humour and compassion and tuning into your inner mentor are practical and powerful strategies to manage our negativity bias. Remember that your inner critic is not coming from the wisest part of who you are; you can choose to challenge its view compassionately. Experiment the next time you feel yourself criticising yourself and notice the impact.