I'm passionate about Positive Psychology because I have witnessed its empowering impact on myself and my coaching clients. It has tangible, real-life benefits based on a significant and growing body of empirical evidence. Applying its wisdom can enrich and expand our lives. When learning about interventions like self-compassion, I often thought, why didn't I know this stuff before?! The lessons I have learned from Positive Psychology have helped me grow as a human and perform better as a coach, and I want to share them as widely as I can.
In this blog series, I will tackle some of the common misconceptions about Positive Psychology and bust these myths:
Myth #1 Focusing on strengths avoids facing facts
Myth #2 Well-being is an optional extra
Myth #3 My inner critic is simply being realistic
Myth #4 Self-compassion makes you lazy
My previous blog on self-care addresses concerns that self-care is selfish. The brilliant women I work with often worry that self-compassion is self-indulgent. Thankfully the empirical research demonstrates that the facts do not bear out these beliefs. Self-care and high performance can be mutually reinforcing, is good for our well-being, and makes us more likely to help others. Self-compassion can be a crucial tool in the self-care kit to build resilience and expand capacity.
So many of the talented women I have worked with have a fear that if they stop criticising themselves, they will lose their edge and drop their standards. If they make a mistake and feel bad about it, even if others have already berated them, it will be nothing compared to how they speak to themselves. As discussed in my previous blog on the inner critic, this harsh voice comes from a place of wanting to keep us safe, and we can manage it by developing strategies like our inner mentor. Managing our inner critic is one thing. Practising self-compassion is another skill entirely.
Let’s take a look at what the evidence says. As a recovering perfectionist, I was incredibly relieved to learn that self-compassionate people have more intrinsic motivation in life[1]. I don't need to beat myself up to get things done! Who knew? Furthermore, it is behaviour that we can learn.[2] Leading self-compassion researcher Dr Kristen Neff’s model of self-compassion compromises three elements: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.
· Mindfulness requires us to notice and acknowledge our moments of suffering. At times this is obvious, at others less so, such as if we have made a minor gaffe at a dinner party or unintentionally upset a friend. It is still a moment of suffering when our toes may curl, and we may harshly criticise ourselves.
· Common humanity represents the connectedness we feel with others. Often in moments of suffering, we withdraw and isolate ourselves, forgetting that all human beings suffer in life and we are not alone.
· Kindness. Many of my clients enjoy kindness as a signature strength (see more on strengths in my previous blog). Kindness is often demonstrated through caring for others. Turning that kindness inwards towards ourselves can feel like a radical act, but it is an essential part of self-compassion practice.
What of the concern that we will lose our edge if we practice self-compassion? The research is incredibly encouraging! We can use self-compassion to motivate ourselves to remain true to our values and strive towards the positive future we want. In her book Fierce Self-Compassion, Neff describes the metaphor of the yin and yang of self-compassion. The yin quality of tender self-compassion involves being with ourselves in an accepting way. The yang quality of fierce self-compassion is associated with acting in the world to alleviate the suffering of ourselves and others and to motivate ourselves. Neff proposes that when we use fierce self-compassion to motivate ourselves, we experience it as an encouraging, wise vision.
· Encouragement – rather than threatening to punish ourselves if we don't achieve our goals, we are kind and supportive, affirming our inherent potential. Encouragement makes it clear that the desire for change comes from a place of care and commitment rather than judgement or blame, which is why it is ultimately more effective.
· Wisdom – the wisdom of common humanity allows us to see the complex conditions that lead to success or failure, so we can learn from our mistakes. Self-compassion helps us to focus on what we can glean from failure instead of fixating on what it might say about our worth as a person.
· Vision – mindfulness allows us to focus and stay true to our vision when we are trying to make a change. Because we care about ourselves and want to be happy, we don't get distracted from what's really important.
Self-compassion is a practice, like yoga, that needs to be curated over time. Starting with something small like Neff’s self-compassion mantra (see self-care blog) is a helpful starting point and one I share with clients to support this skill. Building on this by harnessing fierce self-compassion to take action in the world for ourselves and others is an empowering addition.
We have reflected on the concerns that self-compassion is selfish and explored the evidence that shows that, in fact, self-compassion is good for our well-being, motivation, and other people. I hope I have piqued your curiosity and would encourage anyone to experiment with the self-compassion mantra and notice the impact.
This is the final blog of the Positive Psychology at Work series. My intention with this series was to challenge some of the common misconceptions about Positive Psychology. We've explored how a strengths-based approach encourages more realistic thinking. We've reflected on how cultivating our well-being is essential for a sustainable and successful career. Next, we tackled how our brains are hardwired to be Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive experiences we encounter and how this can show up as our inner critic. Finally, we dug into the evidence about self-compassion, which can radically challenge our thinking and help us to learn what we need from moments of difficulty. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. I love to hear how these blogs have landed with you, so get in touch if you have questions or if anything has resonated.
Look out for a new series in the new year! Happy Holidays.
[1] The Motivational Power of Self-Compassion
[2] Self-Compassion, Wellbeing, and Happiness. Kristin D. Neff & Andrew P. Costigan (2014)