How can relationships with others help us succeed?
You don’t have to do it all by yourself was a strong message that emerged from my conversations with successful women. This blog explores the evidence around relationships and some practical tools to develop your connections to help you succeed —a 5-minute read.
I’ve researched the amazing women in my network to distil their collective wisdom into five strategies for success: purpose, authenticity, self-care, quality relationships and the long view. Over the last couple of months, I have tacked the first three in my Strategies for Success blog series. This time, I’ll explore quality relationships.
“Comprehensively develop your support network – strike up a relationship with a senior colleague to mentor and champion you when you are not in the room."
“Building confidence out of your technical capability is not enough to progress in organisations; it is important to build relationships and collaborate with others to succeed”.
Strategies for Success.
For my research, the women I spoke to reflected on the importance of a diverse network of people around us that will both support and challenge when we need it.
What do quality relationships look like?
We may instinctively know if we have a good quality relationship with another person, but it can be hard to quantify it. I draw inspiration from these four elements that define a flourishing relationship: meaning, personal growth, relational giving, and goal sharing.[1] These elements lend themselves to building quality relationships in the workplace, both inside and outside our current organisations. Shared meaning and purpose can strengthen individual and group relationships around an organisation's mission. Personal growth is a crucial part of a quality relationship and underpins management, mentoring, and reverse mentoring[2]relationships. Relational giving describes the exchange of knowledge, time or other valued resources between individuals. Finally, sharing mutual goals can be a fantastic opportunity to cement relationships as you work towards delivering a great piece of work for a client, the organisation or the team.
Why should we care about quality relationships?
The relationships we have in our work and our lives can significantly impact how likely we are to perform at our best at work. One pearl of wisdom that stays with me is from a previous leader who said: “Eva, I always expect you to do your best, and I recognise that your best will be different every day”. This challenging and supportive framing created the agency and psychological safety necessary for high performance.
Received wisdom tells us that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. A high-performing team can achieve more than brilliant but solo individuals. In his book Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success, Wharton Professor Adam Grant presents the evidence around how we relate to others. In studies of high-pressure environments such as surgery and investment banking, research showed that star performers depended on a highly skilled team.[3] Furthermore, Grant reflects, "Extensive research reveals that people who regularly give their time and knowledge to help their colleagues earn more raises and promotions in various settings, from banks to manufacturing companies". If we aspire to high performance and reach our potential, investing in great relationships around us is crucial.
Grant offers a helpful framing for relationships with others, categorising people as broadly givers, takers and matchers. Givers give more than they receive in the short term and gain more in the long term, takers get more in the short term and lose out in the long term, and matchers, who only give when they expect it to be reciprocated, enjoy medium success. Fascinatingly, givers can be found among the highest and lowest performers across industries. This can be explained by the risk that selfless giving alone often results in burnout. Grant presents the evidence that successful givers give with self-preservation, not self-sacrifice. Being a giver is a great way to build quality relationships with all those around you and be strategic – something the next blog will explore.
How can we cultivate quality relationships?
Starting with mapping your network can be insightful. Who are the different groups of people you already have relationships with, e.g. current job, previous jobs, friends, family, sports or hobbies, neighbours? Within your current organisation, who is your mentor?.[4] Is that person the same or different to your boss? Who is your sponsor?.[5] Is that person the same or different to your boss? Whom would you like to have in your network? Whom are you mentoring? Who are you sponsoring or championing?
Once you know who is in your network, think about the values and approach you want to take to build quality relationships. Seek opportunities to behave like a giver – pay it forward, with the caveat of self-preservation in mind (see the previous blog on self-care for ways to protect your well-being).
A recent HBR article[6] on creating a successful remote mentoring relationship has great principles that apply in both an online and in-person environment:
1. Build trust.
2. Clarify rules for engagement.
3. Be intentional when forming the relationship.
4. Balance authenticity with boundaries.
5. Collaborate when possible.
This practical five-step approach can serve as a helpful container for optimising our mentoring relationships.
We’ve explored four lenses we can use to consider quality relationships: meaning, personal growth, relational giving, and goal sharing. We've reflected on the research around givers, takers and matchers and which style contributes to the highest performance. We've reflected on the different types of relationships that professionals find helpful such as mentors and sponsors, and how you might go about making the most of those relationships.
I have been blessed with inspiring colleagues, mentors and role models throughout my career in different organisations. My experience is that if you are willing to invest in these important relationships, people are eager to invest in you. What has resonated with you, and how would you like to experiment with it?
Learn more about my research and approach to coaching here.
[1] Enhancing Relationship Quality Measurement: The Development of the Relationship Flourishing Scale: Blaine J. Fowers, Randall D. Penfield, Meghan B. Owenz, Jean-Philippe Laurenceau, Laura M. Cohen, Samantha F. Lang
Elizabeth Pasipandoya (2016).
[2] HBR: Why Reverse Mentoring Works And How To Do It Right
[3] The Firm Specificity of Individual Performance (2006). Robert S Huckman and Gary P. Pisano
[4] HBR: How To Build A Great Relationship With A Mentor?
[5] TED Talk: How to Find the Person Who Can Help You Get Ahead At Work?